Unresolved problems cause fear and anger. Underneath it is about fear. You may or may not be conscious of the underlying reason for the fear because it may date back to your earliest childhood.
Of course there is also fear and anger resulting from current problems.
If you are quick to anger with frequent outbursts or you have simmering anger this indicates that you have a longer-term problem, usually the result of things that happened in often the very distant past… and sometimes something you don’t even remember.
“Jim” came to me for anger management, with his marriage close to the rocks, his children scared of him and issues at work. I always start work with a client by chatting and finding out what the underlying beliefs and problems are. Unless we fix those, nothing else works long term.
Once Jim trusted me with his very secret problem, it turned out that the cause of his anger was a totally justified response to abuse from his older brother. It had simmered inside him for almost all his life.
Some of these family secrets, which are seen as too shameful to admit to, are both very corrosive as well as surprisingly common. The variety of abuse that happens in our homes is amazing.
It is always what is underneath that matters. Your unconscious mind’s job is to keep you safe and it controls 90% of everything about you.
We were able to fix Jim’s problem in only 3 weeks without going back over things or retraumatising him. Then he understood and felt deep down that it was over and he became calm. His whole life was changed.
My cat really dislikes change. She was a rescued kitten so I have no idea about her background other than that she was abandoned. When I moved nearly four months ago it took around 10 weeks for her to emerge from the wardrobe other than for food and the kitty litter.
I had an expensive secure cat run built for her but this is a dangerous change in her mind. I now only feed her in the tunnel outside the window but she is still scared to go into her new fenced garden area. This week we took another step and I put in a flexible cat flap… Hmmm. That’s another scary change.
If I hold open the flap she will gingerly venture out for food and drink and I know she can use it easily because she comes in when it is closed. However the first morning her cat door was there, she vomited all her breakfast and retreated to the wardrobe.
OK this is a cat I hear you say but I have clients who are actually like this. They become acrophobic and can’t venture outside. Sometimes they can’t even part with any of their rubbish.
It’s all about fear.
It’s about finding a place to feel safe, and it may be simmering anger about being in fear. And yes, my cat is also angry and taking it out on the dog.
If this rings any bells for you or about people you know and care about, please get in touch and get some help.